I thought this would eventually be over. Nay.

it will follow me for all of my days. From what I can tell, it will now never leave my life, and even if it did, the consequences would not. I am damned to endure this silently because of the moral constructs of my personality.

Problem is that i cant be believed, and thats partially because the want to believe has been starved off. I witnessed the cruelest non physically violent act in my life. there was some violence, but never from me, and not the worst violence ive seen.

Every day feels like day one of infiniti, with no resolution, just a deepening of conflict and continued aggression and harm towards my soul. There is definatley a percent that is my own fault. Once older then a child, there's no situation that you didnt partially put yourself into.

i would not wish what i continue to endure on anyone, not even my greatest enemy. Only the proud deserve to be broken. When you're already humble broken, the same action leaves you crushed, decimated, obliterated.

Life is not fair, it doesnt forgive and it wont let you forget.

I've been hanging on to it for a while. adding to it, i dont think its finished, but I have new shit to get out.



ive passed a point of no return. I've been passing them for ages now, i just keep on working it out so that the deeper I get, the more I will be unable to have what I once had before. if I give in, I lose myself and make it worst, if I resist, I make it worse. the only way to better things for others is to lie. I see no way to better myself.

im only given the option to be a dick. My choices are never good or bad. i either must be selfish, or must appear to be a dick, my only options.

its not irrational or anything, but I do have a fear. I've already seen small parts of it, my fear is that it will grow. I've already seen my nicest and best sides turned against me. Now my fear is that they may be turned so much, that I wont be allowed to be that anymore. That my nicest and best sides will only be seen as bad, or that they will only remind of bad. If that ever were to happen, I already know that I have contributed everything to be turned against me. To be the creator of your own downfall...to have your best parts turned against you by one claiming to love you more then anything...and to have those go from loving you to loathing you when you've treated them just the same if not better.....if a broken soul means you've lost hope, i am broken. And the repairer? they just quit.


I see, almost daily, how things I say can be twisted against me. I see it, but I can say nothing. Having a great secret, I always thought, would be fun, knowing more then others do. My secret sucks. its unfair, and I promise, promise promise...no joy can come from my truth. I have had this truth before, it only causes hurt.

So the fact that I will keep a secret for the rest of my life hurts enough...but the fact that in principle, my reason for keeping my secret may be that my blissfull happiness is wrong. My idea of what happy is, is wrong. My wants, dreams and wishes, though only pure, selfless and truly heartfelt, are wrong.

so besides having to convince myself that the best ive ever felt about myself and the best ive felt about others was wrong, that my bests were wrong, the other possibly unbearable pain is that I will be reminded, almost daily, of what ive lost, whats been taken from me, what I cannot have. To make a mistake is one thing, but to be in a poition where you must continue making the bad choice while the right choice is slamming you in the face every morning...its hard to deal with.

But as far as dealings are concerned, mine must stay internal. They cannot be understood and will not be welcomed. It's caused slightly less frustration now that I see that I am, or at least in this, unable to be understood. Only through experience could my side be comprehended, and i cannot recreate experience.

but thats all just a ramble. the worst fear is, that the reason all of these wrongs were done against me, that might change...and if it does, it will be made official that I was wronged when I shouldnt have been, but that wont change my position, and the my position is dire enough that I will never return.

Fuck my life. Fuck my love. Fuck my losses. Fuck me. Fuck.

No disputes, no objections, no debates, why even bother with suggestions. Unconditional and unrelenting surrender. Give up, give in, let go.

I think I understand why I cannot be understood. I think I see that what I see cannot be seen by any one else. Some may come close, and in enough of a sense everyone's perspective is uniquely theirs...

My fear and loathing cannot be replicated for observation or education. My bliss cannot be disected and analyzed enough to be justified. Not to the judge and jury.

my position is simple put, an impossible one. So now, as it didnt before, it makes perfect sense that no one else can be here but me. Out of all i've lost, things that I thought were more mine then anything in the world, my biggest lost is the possible hope for happiness. You forget the pain of a cut shortly after it heals. You lost the taste of food not too long after its swallowed. I'm not saying that you cant remember if they were good or bad, of why they were, but the how...the feeling, the sensation...that leaves as soon as its gone.

Hope...not so easy to forget, not so easy to remove yourself from. I cannot forget, but even if I could, i would still receive constant reminders. I will never be able to leave my pain fully behind, and that is not by my own will. I wont be able to take my eyes off of the joy that which I will never have.




you know, if I knew what was going on from the beginning, there's the smallest chance that I could have turned out the be the happiest man in the world. The most reasonalbly happy anyway. Now I will just seem like I should be the happiest without being there.



Forgive me for walking a path that might be wrong because what i feel I right, i know cannot work. In both maintaining my sadness and denying my happiness, both might have worked for the better if handled correctly.

I have one why left unanswered. I had many before, they've all been answered now. And now that I think about it, I guess I dont have that question, because it would be why is that most true feeling ive felt a lie. Simple asnwer really, life is unfair, feelings are inaccurate.

I post, by the end I hear the slipknot lyrics "fuck you all, fuck this world, fuck everything that you stand for". Thats not really how I feel, well, not entirely anyway, but I do have some lyrics of a nother song of theirs id like to share.

i will remove some parts to save you time on the redundancy of the chorus n stuff.

I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed

Goodbye

I wipe it off on a tile, the light is brighter this time
Everything is turning blasphemy
My eyes are red and gold, the hair is standing straight up
This is not the way I picture me

I can't control my shakes, how the hell did I get here?
Something about this, so very wrong
I have to laugh out loud, I wish I didn't like this
Is it a dream or a memory?

Get outta my head 'cause I don't need this
Why didn't I see this?
Well, I'm a victim Manchurian candidate
I have sinned by just makin' my mind up
And takin' your breath away

You haven't learned a thing
I haven't changed a thing
The flesh was in my bones
The pain was always free

I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed

And it waits for you

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

But look at my face. No, even closer, look in my eyes...doesn't matter where you look, you'd never see it, except here.

The end of a lot of things, but not my world. Though that end is well on its way.

fin